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I stood in the bathroom, clutching the edge of the cold marble sink. My stomach did a slow, sickening flip. I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for the feeling to pass.
It has been a few weeks since the wedding and Alice’s ceremony. Life was finally perfect. Marco
and Isabella were happy. Astor and I were more in love than ever.
But for the last three days, I felt different. My head felt heavy. My morning coffee, which I usually loved, smelled like old dirt. And that morning sickness, the one I remembered so clearly from when
I carried the twins was back.
I was terrified.
I walked back into the bedroom. Astor was already up, sitting on the edge of the bed and putting
on his boots. He looked up at me, and his smile faded instantly. He was an Alpha; he could smell
my fear. He could feel the change in my heart rate.
“Faith? What’s wrong? You’re pale,” he said, standing up and reaching for me.
“I’m just… tired,” I lied. I moved past him to the window, staring out at the forest.
He didn’t seem to believe me. He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
He rested his chin on my shoulder, but as his hands touched my stomach, I flinched. I pulled away
before I could stop myself.
The room went silent. Astor’s hands stayed in the air, empty. His eyes were full of confusion and a
little bit of hurt.
“Faith? Did I do something?”
“No! No, Astor, it’s not you,” I said, my voice shaking. “I just… I need some air.”
I ran out of the room. I didn’t stop until I reached the deep part of the woods. I leaned against a tall pine tree and breathed in the scent of pine and earth.
I touched my stomach. If there was a life growing there, I should be happy. I’m a good mother and
the kids have the best father. I can literally give this kid anything.
But all I felt was a cold, sharp panic.
For the next two days, I lived in a state of “maybe.” I watched the clock. I watched my body. Every time I felt a little bit of nausea, I wanted to cry. Every time I felt a cramp, I hoped it was just my body telling me I wasn’t pregnant.
I loved Marco and Isabella more than life itself. They were my miracles. But there was a hole in my.
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heart that I didn’t liked to talk about.
That afternoon, I was sitting in the garden when the realization hit me. The symptoms were fading. The heavy feeling in my chest was gone and my body was returning to normal which means that I
had a fever.
I wasn’t pregnant.
I let out a long, shaky breath. I shouldn’t have felt relieved. But I was. But I also felt a deep, biting sadness that made my eyes sting. I sat on the grass and put my head in my hands.
“Faith?”
I didn’t hear him come up. Astor was standing in front of me and he looked like he hadn’t slept. He looked at me, seeing my tears, and he didn’t ask permission this time. He sat down on the grass and pulled me into his lap, holding me like I was something made of glass.
“Talk to me,” he whispered. “Please. I’ve watched you run from me for three days. I’ve watched you look at your stomach with fear. I thought… I thought you were pregnant. And I thought the idea of having a baby with me made you miserable.”
I looked at him, my heart breaking. “No, Astor. It’s not that. I realized today… I’m not pregnant. It was just a scare.”
Astor closed his eyes for a second, it felt like he was disappointed. “Okay. Okay. So why are you crying? Why were you so afraid?”
I gripped the front of his shirt. I had to say it. I had to tell him the truth that was rotting inside me. “I’m not ready, Astor,” I sobbed. “I’m not mentally or emotionally ready to be a mother again. When I thought I was pregnant, all I could think about was the baby I lost”
Astor went very still and he didn’t say a word.
“In the back of my mind,” I continued, the words were spilling out like blood from a wound, “it feels like if I have another baby, I’m just replacing the one I lost. Like I’m saying that child didn’t matter because I can just make another one. I don’t ever want to do that. I don’t want a ‘replacement‘ baby, Astor. I want the one I lost, and I can’t have them back.”
Astor’s grip on me tightened. He buried his face in my neck, and I felt his own tears on my skin.
“I am so sorry,” he muffled against my skin. “I am so sorry I caused you that pain. Faith, look at me.” He pulled back and held my face in his hands.
“You could never replace a life,” he said firmly. “Every child is their own soul. But I understand. I understand that your heart is still healing. I was so busy being happy that we were back together
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that I forgot you were still carrying the scars of what I put you through.”
“It’s not just that,” I said, my voice trembling. “I need you to listen to me, Astor. This is important:
He nodded, his eyes locked on mine.
“I don’t want another baby right now,” I said. “And I don’t know if my feelings will ever change. Marco and Isabella are my world, and they are enough for me. But I know the pack expects a large family. I need to know, will you be okay if we never have more children? Will you still love me if it’s just the four of us until the end of time?”
Astor didn’t even hesitate. He didn’t think for a second. He leaned in and kissed me with a soft, lingering kiss that tasted like a promise.
“Faith,” he said, his voice as steady as a mountain. “I didn’t marry you because I wanted an army of children. I married you because you are my soul. You are my mate. If we never had Marco and Isabella, I would still choose you. If it is just you and me in a small cabin for the next hundred years, I will be the happiest man alive.”
“But the pack-”
“The pack has their Luna,” he interrupted. “They have their future Alphas in Marco and Isabella. They have everything they need. And I have everything I need right here in my arms.”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to perform for me.
I don’t want you to feel like your value is in how many children you can have. You have been through a war, Faith. You have saved two packs. You have earned the right to just be.”
“Thank you, Astor,” I whispered.
“Don’t thank me for loving you,” he said. “Just promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“Talk to me,” he said. “No more running to cry alone. If you are sad, we will be sad together. If are scared, I will hold your hand until the fear goes away. We are a team, Faith. Always.”
“Always,” I promised.
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#vote# I will genuinely never get over how much feedback I get about this book and none of that goes
