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For the length of several loud, pounding heartbeats, I was at an utter loss for words. Ivan always looked serious, but there was something about the way he was staring at me now, like there was more to this question than a hypothetical.
I had no clue how to answer.
He didn’t wait for me to figure it out. He blinked and whatever moment had been building was lost.
A small hint of relief filled me.
“You don’t want to be entangled with Gideon again anyway, do you? So what does it matter if he believes we are a couple,” Ivan said. “Perhaps it might even be better if we just pretended. That might give you more leverage against him.”
“It would be a lie,” I said.
“So?”
I liked Ivan a lot as a friend. I might have even loved him as one. But it was because of those friendly affections that I did not want to blur the lines between friendship and romance. Those boundaries needed to remain strong between us for us to continue on as we always have.
“Do
you doubt my competency as a mate. he asked.
“No. I think you would be a good and kind mate. A good provider, and a strong protector.”
“If you believe that, then I don’t understand why you would refuse me.”
I wished I had a reason for him that made sense. The truth was my heart just wasn’t in it, not even to pretend.
What happened between Gideon and me had broken my desire for any relationships. When I even thought of trying to love again, I remembered what it felt like to stumble through the rogue territory, afraid and wounded, having just given birth. I had still been pregnant with Nova without realizing it.
I had thought I was going to die.
Nothing and no one was ever going to make me feel like that again. I wouldn’t give them the power.
I trusted Ivan, but not even he could make me change my mind about this. Besides, if he was tangled up with me, even for pretend, how would he find his own true mate?
“You deserve better than to be in a pretend relationship like that,” I said. “Don’t misunderstand. I appreciate the offer immensely, Ivan, and I know you want to help me. But you deserve to be free. What if your true mate were to come around while you were pretending with me?”
He glanced away from me at once, to a picture frame that was face down on his desk.
“I already lost my one true love,” he said, a new kind of muted sadness filling his eyes.
Immediately, guilt filled me for having brought this up. I knew he was still suffering from the loss of the woman he loved. For all six years I’d known him, he’d been quietly grieving, and the loss had occurred well before that.
As it was, Ivan didn’t likely hold the capacity to love again either. But for him, there could still be a chance, if the right one were to come along.
“You could be given a second–chance mate,” I said. “The Moon Goddess doesn’t like her most faithful to suffer.”
16:41 Mon, Jan 19
Chapter 98
“Not me,” Ivan said. “Not without her…”
Leo’s POV
“I just want to stay, that’s all,” I said.
Dad really wanted me to go back home with him, and while there was a lot that I missed there, I wasn’t done here yet. Dad didn’t believe me, but I was sure Raven was my mother.
38
The names were the same, but it was more than that. It was a kind of feeling that I had whenever I was around Raven, especially when she wasn’t wearing her mask. It wasn’t easy to explain, but I felt like the two of us were tied together in a way, kind of like how I was tied with Dad.
Why would I feel that way if Raven wasn’t my mother?
Dad had already told me to let this go, so I knew he didn’t believe me. He said it was impossible, but I wasn’t so sure. I knew my feelings and they weren’t as easy to turn away from.
Dad was just being stubborn. Adults got that way sometimes, I noticed. They didn’t like to be wrong about stuff so they twisted themselves all up into pretzels to convince themselves they were right about everything.
Dad was twisted up so tightly, he couldn’t see things for how they really were.
I led Dad into the living room where Nova was. She was excited to see Dad, and they hugged. Dad asked Nova about this and that, like school and games, and if she and I were getting along okay. All the while though, he kept glancing at me.
I knew our earlier talk wasn’t over yet. Dad had a lot to say when he wanted to.
After catching up with Nova, he turned to me again. “Why would you want to stay here?” he asked.
“I just… have stuff to figure out.”
“What kind of… stuff?” Dad asked. With the way he narrowed his eyes, I guessed he already knew.
“I don’t know…” I tried to be dodgy.
“Leo,” Dad gave me the firm voice. The Dad voice. The answer me or you will be in trouble voice.
“I still think I can find proof that Raven is my mom,” I admitted.
Dad’s face immediately filled with disappointment. “I thought we agreed to let this go.”
“You did,” I said. “I didn’t. I’m sure she’s my mom, Dad. I’m positive. Why don’t you believe me?”
Dad frowned at me, like he always did when Mom was brought up.
“She’s not your mom, Leo. You need to let this go for your own good.”
I shook my head, unwilling to believe that. “Now that you are here, you should stay so we can find proof together. I can’t find much, but I’m just a kid. They might let you go other places, and if you could find something… Maybe if you could see her without her mask, you would recognize her and know.”
Dad paused for a moment, like he was really thinking it over.
Hope started to bloom in my chest.
Nova, who had been quiet during the talk, came forward now. “I’ve tried to talk Leo out of this, but it’s impossible. He really believes it.”
16:41 Mon, Jan 19
Chapter 98
“I can see that,” Dad said.
“But he’s wrong,” Nova said. “I know it.”
“How can you be so sure?” Dad asked her.
“Don’t listen to her,” I said.
“Allow Nova to speak, Leo,” Dad said, his tone flat, somewhat scolding.
I frowned but fell quiet.
Nova continued, “Uncle Ivan and Mom… They are keeping it secret, but I’m sure they are together.”
Dad nodded. “I thought so, as well.”
“That isn’t true,” I said. “Dad, if you could just see Raven’s face.” I was so sure of this. If Dad could see Raven without her mask, then he would recognize her at once as his mom. They could be a family again.
“That’s not an easy thing to do,” Dad said. “And I wouldn’t want to break her trust by tricking her.”
“I know a way,” Nova said suddenly. We all looked at her. “Uncle Ivan keeps a picture of my mom on his desk. And she’s not wearing a mask.”
AD
