One month later…
It was the beginning of October, and I had been home from Paris for just over a week and couldn’t get out of bed. For the most part, my mother had left me alone to my depression up until now, but the morning before Carter was due home, she pushed into my room and sat on my bed. The time had come to confess.
“Okay, my sweet baby girl, I have given you some space, but now I’m really worried. I realize I have barely a week before you’re eighteen and then I can’t technically make you go to a doctor, but will you please tell me what’s going on? Carter’s coming home tomorrow, and I need to know why you’re not excited. I need my Sassidy back.”
“I’m not feeling very sassy today, Mom.”
“What’s going on, honey?“,
“I did something. Something bad,” I whispered.
She slid my hair away from my face. “Cassidy, what could you have possibly done that would make you dread seeing the man you love?”
“Mom, Carter’s with someone else, please don’t make it worse.”
She sighed. “Which is all very weird.”
“He’s moved on. I did, too.”
“What? What did you do?”
I sat up and pulled the covers up to my chest. “I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?”
“You’ll hate me.”
“Baby girl, there is nothing in this world that you could do that will make me stop loving you.”
I tried to calm my churning stomach. “I slept with someone in Paris.”
My mom took a deep breath. “Okay, honey. It happens. Was it someone you loved?”
“Not really, no.” I shook my head.
“Was it Pierre?”
I nodded. “How did you know?”
“Well, he’s handsome and you’d been spending a lot of time together,” she said. “Plus, he looks a bit like Carter and I wondered if you’d be able to resist Carter with a French accent. I know I couldn’t.”
I snorted. “Well, I should have because I’m pretty sure I slept with him for all the wrong reasons.”
“Oh, honey, been there.” My mom smiled sympathetically. “Why do you think you slept with him?”
“I was mad.”
“At Carter?”
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I groaned with a nod. “Pierre was in the right place at the right time, I guess. Plus, I just thought I’d get it over and done with…the losing my virginity thing.” I swallowed down the bile threatening to spill and dropped my face into my hands. “But I regretted it the second it was over.”
“What happened?” Mom pressed.
“It was awful, Mom. I mean, sex wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be… it didn’t really hurt, but when I was naked with him. he pointed out everything wrong with my body, and-”
“Like what?” Mom asked, her voice had taken on a weird shrill quality about it.
“My body?”
“Yes.”
“Um, I have a large butt, my thighs are a little thick and my breasts were bordering on porn sized.”
“That little fucker.”
“Mom!” I nearly choked, I was so surprised by my mother’s swearing. It’s not like she’d never sworn before, but I don’t know that I’d ever heard her use the F–word.
“Well, he is. You’re beautiful, Cassidy. Inside and out, and if that little shit couldn’t see it, then good riddance.”
“You’re supposed to say that, you’re my mom.”
“I don’t have to say anything of the sort.”
“Mom,” I groaned.
“You didn’t sleep with him again did you?”
“No, but not because of what he said. I didn’t know we weren’t being exclusive. Apparently, I was one in a line of many. I am just such an idiot.”
“Honey, we all make mistakes, and it’s your time to make choices that push the/limits. You can’t be so hard on yourself.”
I burst into tears. “No, you don’t understand.”
She gave me a gentle smile. “Tell me.”
“I think I might be pregnant.”
Mom gasped and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close. “Oh, baby girl. Do you know for sure?”
I shook my head. “No, but I haven’t gotten my period, and I’m sick all the time.”
She stroked my hair. “When did you sleep with Pierre?”
“Right after the showcase.”
“Which is when you were finishing those antibiotics for your strep.”
I nodded. “Is that important?”
“They can make the pill useless.”
I groaned. “But we used a condom.”
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“Which aren’t a hundred percent,” she said. “Look, let’s not panic just yet. I’m going to run to the store and grab a test and we can know for sure.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She smiled and left me, returning thirty minutes later. “Go pee and we’ll see what it says.”
I nodded and took the box from her, grateful we were alone at least for the moment. I did my thing, washed my hands and then met my mom back in my room. For a few minutes, I felt like this could all be a cruel joke, but then there were two lines and my world crashed down again. I flopped onto my bed. “How am I going to tell Carter? He’s going to hate me.”
“I don’t think he’ll hate you, honey. I don’t think he’s going to be happy, but he won’t hate you.” She wiped away tears and shook her head. “Your dad on the other hand…”
“Ohmigod, Mom, we can’t tell Dad.”
“Well, how long were you expecting to keep it from him?” she challenged.
“I can’t have Carter and Daddy hating me.”
“Baby girl, neither of them will hate you. Daddy’s going to freak out, I won’t candy coat that, but he won’t hate you.”
“I’m a total whore.”
“Honey, you are not a whore.”
“Why are you so calm?” My mom was taking this news way too well.
My mom sighed. “Sometimes you do everything you’re supposed to do, and shit just happens. Would I have wanted this for you? No. But it’s happening and now we need to decide where to go from here. This could have happened to me before I married your father, so I’m the last person to judge you, honey. You just got stuck with some consequences I didn’t.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I wasn’t always “safe” so to speak. I had a scare when I’d missed two pill days and had sex with my boyfriend at the time without condoms, so we’ve all been there, honey.” She patted my knee. “We’ll figure this out, Cass. It’s not going to be pretty, but we’ll figure it out.”
“I can’t tell Carter, Mom. He’s only home for a week.”
“Well, that’s up to you, honey. But we need to tell your dad… and then your sisters.”
I knew she was right, but that didn’t mean I wanted to do it. In the end, we told my dad later that night and he said nothing. Not a word. Just stood and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Mom followed, and I was left to my thoughts, which turned me into a sobbing mess and kept me awake all night.
If I lost the love of my father, I’d be destroyed.
***
“Cass?” Carter called, jogging up to me. He was shirtless and delicious, his matching nut and bolt chain hanging against his pecs. He had a new tattoo on his upper arm of the Air Force logo and it was hot. He was leaving again in two days and I was silently congratulating myself for keeping my secret. He would go back to base and I could deal with my predicament in seven months, give or take.
“Hey,” I said. We were out at the pond, cooling off on a particularly hot June day. I was sitting under the shade of the canopy his parents‘ had set up years ago, avoiding the sun.
He flopped down beside me and grinned. “So, you gonna fill me in?”
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“On?” I asked.
“Why you’ve been so quiet these past few days.”
I faced him, grateful my sunglasses hid my panic.
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Um, you come home alone, you say nothing about the email you sent that broke my heart, and I’m pregnant with some asshat’s baby. Of course, I kept that to myself and instead played dumb. “Have I been?”
“Cass, I know we haven’t seen each other in a year, but I still know you.”
“Just missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” he said, standing and holding his hand out to me. “Let’s go for a walk.”
“Mysterious.” I took his hand and let him pull me up. “Where are we going?”
We started toward the tree–line of our properties. “It’s a surprise.”
I giggled. “I love surprises.”
“I know.” He squeezed my hand. “I actually want to ask you something.”
“Ask away.”
“You know I love you-”
“I love you too,” I said.
“No, wait. Let me get this out.” He sighed. “Sorry. I’m fuckin‘ this up.”
“You’re doing fine.”
“I love you, Cassidy. I have forever, and I want to know if you’ll marry me when I’m done with this next tour.”
I felt the color drain from my face. “What?”
He grinned as we arrived at the dead tree. “I have it on good authority Torbig the Troll will be available to do the honors when I get home… he told me himself… but I think maybe we should do the church thing.”
“Wait. Carter.” I knew tears were escaping the safety of my sunglasses, but I couldn’t stop them.
“Hey, babe, why are you crying?” he asked, cupping my cheeks.
“I can’t… ohmigod, Carter… I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Ohmigod.” I made an awkward attempt to walk away.
Carter grabbed my arm and pulled me to face him. “Hey, what’s wrong? You can tell me.”
I shook my head. “I can’t tell you this, Carter.”
He gave me a gentle smile. “I love you, Cass. You can tell me.”
“You’ll hate me.”
“I could never hate you”
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I flailed my hands at my sides in frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me before I left how you felt?”
Carter frowned. “Because I wanted to wait until you were eighteen.”
“What about your ‘serious‘ relationship?”
“What serious relationship?”
Ohmigod, he broke up with her? And now he’s telling me he loves me? No. I can’t.
“Forget it. Just ignore me.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I need to go.”
“Fuck me, Cassidy. What the hell is going on?” he snapped.
“I slept with someone. In France.”
“O… kay,” he said slowly. “Are you still together?”
I shook my head.
“Well, then, what’s the problem?”
I laid my hands over my belly. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” he whispered, chuckling as though he didn’t really hear what he heard.
“I’m pregnant. I made a stupid mistake and now I will be paying for that mistake for the rest of my life.”
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Carter’s hands dropped to his sides and his face changed. I don’t think I will ever forget the expression, mostly because I’d never seen it before… not from him, anyway. It was one of pure unadulterated devastation… one of disappointment and sadness… and, yes, a little hatred.
“I’m so sorry, Carter.” I turned and made a run for my house. That was the last day I saw him. The last day I talked to him. The last day I spoke his name. After giving birth to Maverick and realizing that if I didn’t get out of my tiny little farm town in Oregon, and away from the people who loved Carter Quinn, I would never escape him, so I moved. Not so far that I couldn’t drive to my parents, but far enough that his name would never come up.
I had a beautiful little boy to think about and he would never know that his mother’s heart had shattered irrevocably. He was my heart now and he was enough.
AD
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